I LIKE Mick Malthouse. I've always thought when Mick stops coaching, he would make an excellent ticket inspector on the trams. I reckon Mick would get a kick out of it, too, wrestling young teenagers to the ground and busting the heads of the poor and the desperate as they try to cheat the system and save $3.50.

And you know Mick, he's a thinker, so when the fare-evader gives a phoney address or explains they only had $3.10 and were just going two stops, Mick will twist their arms high behind their backs and shout: "That's a lie. Try again." Public transport would never be the same and people would start catching it just to catch a glimpse of Mick Roughouse.

Of course, under Mick's rules, trams would be free to anyone who has played the game at the highest level, and Magpie members would get discounted fines, as would anyone wearing an "I did cocaine with Wayne" T-shirt, because he played at the highest level.

Mick's angry at the minute. He hasn't won a flag in more than 10 years, Collingwood has only one flag in 50 years and he's fed up with bozos who haven't played the game at the highest level making comment.

But most of all, he's sick and tired of playing all these games on Collingwood's home ground in front of big crowds. I feel for him, too. It must be a bummer dragging the team across Swan Street every week to play in front of 70,000 people. It's not fair, and Swan Street can get pretty busy.

So next year, and I have this on good authority from the AFL, the Anzac Day game will be played between Essendon and the Bulldogs and the Queen's Birthday game will be played between Melbourne and Carlton. In fact, the AFL has become so concerned about the amount of Collingwood blockbusters at the 'G that in 2009, the Pies will play in Tasmania, South Queensland, Perth twice, the SCG, Geelong and Adelaide twice next year.

And just to help out, the AFL has also fixtured in two games against the Kangaroos, two against the Bulldogs and two against Melbourne, all to help minimise crowd attendances and take the pressure off the poor old Pies.

But for the meantime, it's another bloody big game in front of another bloody big crowd at the bloody MCG for Collingwood, so (given that the Pies are over it), have a look at Carlton with a 19.5-point start at $1.91 (Centrebet). Roll that into a multi with the Bulldogs ($1.43), West Coast ($2), St Kilda (with a 22.5-point start at $1.91) and Port Adelaide (a 24.5-point start at $1.91) for a $20.42 return.

And as for my sweet, dangerous Freo, the AFL wants to take the pressure off it, too, and it has decided to move it to Gold Coast and give it access to the best kids in the country. This way, the Gold Coast Dockers can draft some midfielders to help out Rhys Palmer. Or at least trade them for some more Essendon players.