SOMETIMES, I think the AFL is omnipresent, you know?

I don't mean like in the news and in our thoughts and stuff, I mean … umm … sort of like god (I don't know which one but one of those good ones who listens occasionally).

I sometimes think the AFL is shaping the world, pulling the strings of our very destiny, guiding us to that final place where the world is one and we all play Australian football (except Tassie — that won't work). And this would explain so many things, wouldn't it? It would explain why the newspaper often reads like an AFL fixture: Barack Obama versus Hillary Clinton, round one; Obama ($1.55 with Sportingbet Australia) versus John McCain ($2.40), round two; Obama versus Hillary, again, round three; Kevin Rudd versus Brendan Nelson, round four; petrol-watch versus alcopops, round five; the AFL versus Dimmeys, round six; petrol-watch versus alcopops, round seven.

I have a Kiwi mate who always asks me tricky questions such as: "Who owns the AFL?"

It's a question that makes me squirm with fear and dread and I dare not answer. "They can hear you," I whisper. "They hear everything. They own our intellectual property."

Neitzsche (you know, the former Melbourne player) said: "We have art so that we shall not be destroyed by the truth." It's a good point. The truth can be an arse sometimes and this is why I say my prayers to the AFL because I don't want the truth. I don't like it.

When I say my prayers to the AFL, I say things like: "Tell me, lord, what is the state of health of Australian football in Queensland?"

And if the AFL is listening on this day it will say, "Perfect", and I appreciate the art.

And when I say a prayer like: "How many members do the Swans have, discounting its Melbourne members?"

The AFL says "plenty". It is an answer.

The AFL is a good god like that. It answers prayers artfully. But it seems to answer the prayers of some more than others.

Take, for example, Mick Malthouse. His prayers have been answered this weekend and the good lord has pitted the Pies against the Bulldogs on the small ground in a game strictly billed as "NOT A BLOCKBUSTER".

Mick will be relieved.

However, curiously, the bookmakers do not see this little game as a godsend for Collingwood. The satchel swingers have started it as a $2.65 outsider.

The Bulldogs are $1.48 but you can get them at $1.91 to win by more than 16.5 points and hook that into a multi with the Crows (a 14.5-point start against the Lions at $1.91).

Other line bets worth considering are the Cats (more than 31.5 points against West Coast), the Swans (more than 40.5 points against Melbourne) and the Blues (more than 19.5 points against Essendon).

And if you bundle all of them up, it pays $25.41 but you will need to pray to a higher being and I hope that being is sober.

As Tom Waites (you know, the Carlton player in the '70s) once said: "There ain't no devil, there's just God when he's drunk."