WHEN it comes to marketing football teams, I'm an expert, which is why I'm in demand.

As you know, a dismal crowd turned up to North Melbourne's game last Saturday, so I was rushed into Arden Street to help solve the crisis.

I explained to Dean Laidley that the reason no one turns up to North games is because they have no supporters.

And I suggested they should stop worrying about this nonsense every year and take the golden-goose deal from the AFL, move to Queensland, take the cash and the home-ground advantage and the sweet draft picks and win a flag.

Well, Dean's head almost exploded.

I like Dean. I think he will make an excellent tram driver when he retires from coaching. He will be one of those drivers with "track-rage" who uses his dinger excessively when some old bloke is trying to turn in front of him.

After somehow managing to convince Dean not to turf me out of his office, I explained to him that the problem with North was poor recruiting — not because the players lacked talent but because they were boring, with boring names and profiles. Simpson, Jones, Sinclair, Thompson, Thomas, Campbell, Grant, Wells, Harvey, Harris, Smith, Edwards, Brown, Green, Harding, Watt. Talk about a snore-fest.

If the Roos want people turning up to games, if they want to have more than two players out of 80 selected in the Hall of Fame squads, if they want Martin Flanagan to write stories about them, if they want the bookmakers to love them a little, they have to recruit forwards with names such as Roughead and Buddy Love.

I then submitted my five-year plan to make the Kangaroos exciting, which included trading Shannon Watt to Sydney for Leaping Leo Barry, give Nathan Thompson back to Hawthorn for "Buddy Love" Franklin, a guide on how to recruit "exciting" indigenous footballers (the first rule is that the player needs to be exciting and the second rule is that the player has to be related to the Riolis or the Longs, or both).

Other strategies include an image makeover for Hamish McIntosh, who will now be known as "Mad Dog" and play in AFL approved kilts, Adam Simpson (a la Brett Kirk) is to become a vegan Buddhist, David Hale is now called Hale David and Shannon Grant will change his name to Carey Grant.

I then suggested a betting frenzy on the Roos this weekend and taking them on the line (7.5-point start at $1.91) against Collingwood ($1.67). Hook that into a multi, with Hawthorn ($1.75 against Brisbane), the Swans (a 25.5-point start at $1.91) against Geelong and the Bulldogs (more than 17.5 points at $1.91 against Richmond) for a $12.19 return.

Dean was almost smiling so I decided to keep silent about my changes to coaching staff. I don't think he's ready for the trams just yet.