Monday

The little paper is running a push for Tasmania to join the league, which of course can't happen because there are only two expansion slots available and traditional football regions like West Sydney and the Gold Coast have been patiently waiting their turn for years. But a solution to the Tassie dilemma might have arrived simply by removing Fremantle from the competition. Earlier this year, such an idea would have been laughed out of HQ, but moments after Peter Bell announced that he's retiring from footy today, the annoying bloke who rang a bell every time the Dockers skipper got a touch vowed to set off a car alarm every time Josh Carr gets the footy from now on. Which is strange because Carr spells his name with two Rs. I might write to him and point out Marcus Drum is also playing for the club. The footy world will thank me.

Tuesday

Andy D called an emergency meeting of the Fines Department today. All 347 senior fines staff had to be there. Andy was ropeable at Sydney's Barry Wall getting away with it again. He smacked a bloke months ago and dodged a seven-game penalty by injuring his wrist so he couldn't have played anyway, and now he was all set to face the music for another stray elbow when the Swans indefinitely dropped him, making our one-game penalty meaningless. It's OK for big-time celebrities like that Wayne Carey bloke (who starred in Mask and Ace Ventura) to not turn up for a court date in America, but not here. Andy laid down the law: we need to stop suspending such players and fine them heavily. Our end-of-season trip won't pay for itself, he said somewhat unnecessarily.

Wednesday

At the under-18 championships, I bumped into a couple of kids, Kreuzer and Cotchin, who were floating around the media room and asked if they were hoping to go high, or would be happy just to hear their names called in November? You should have seen the looks they gave me. Kids today. Honestly!

Meanwhile, the league has appointed a new integrity officer, Trevor Diablo. I guess to see if he can find any. Whatever his actual job is, he seems to be a great guy. We headed into the city for a drink to get to know each other and took his car because he'd been parked in a disabled spot near HQ, so it was the closest set of wheels. In town, he didn't have any change so he stuck a screwdriver into the parking meter, then reported it broken. After that, he said his luck was really in because he found a credit card lying on the ground and we used that to drink spirits until the early hours. He's going to be an asset around the place.

Thursday

Boy, was my head hurting this morning. I hate to think how Trev was feeling. I got talking to John Barnes and mentioned Trev had headed to Sydney, at dawn after our big night out. I'd even phoned that head-case Barry Wall to check he got there. Barnsey said: "So you're saying that Barry Hall told you that Adam Goodes is picking Fev up from a hotel room to meet Paul Roos?" I said "Trev, not Fev" but he was already making a call on his mobile. It doesn't really matter if he misheard me, I guess.

Friday

Heard on SEN that some kid called Andrew Bogus has signed a deal for $76 million over five years — more than the combined salaries of every footballer in Victoria. I'll really have to have a word to Andy D. Whoever is monitoring the salary cap is asleep at the wheel.

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