MY WIFE makes me so mad.

Our shower is full of body wash and shower gels despite my insistence that we use cakes of soap.

But she doesn't listen to me and I have been banned from the shopping.

So the other day, when the last piece of soap disappeared down the plug-hole, I was left with a choice of "Brazilian vanilla bean and tangerine" body wash, or "silky skin, 24-hour moisturiser" shower gel.

My blood boiled.

I stormed into the supermarket, grabbed a four-pack of soap cakes and marched to the express lane.

Well, you wouldn't believe it. There was an old woman in front of me who had 14 items, despite the sign clearly saying "eight items or less".

I was livid.

I swept the woman's shopping off the checkout, punched her in the jaw, then quickly threw my arms out to make sure everyone knew that I had no idea why she was on the ground with her caramel crown biscuits.

Unfortunately, I was on video and the supermarket suspended me for seven weeks.

I made a statement, explaining that I had personal issues that I was working through and I wanted to be remembered as a good customer, not one of those bad ones who belts people.

Things were going fine, too, and recently people were commenting on my skin and how it seemed to have a glow and a sweet aroma, with hints of vanilla and citrus fruit.

But three weeks ago, I was in the bank, the queue was 10 deep, two tellers were on and there were three blokes having a laugh over the fax machine.

Steam started to flow out of my ears.

I snapped the grandpa in front of me, decked the old woman in front of him, KO'd the mum with two kids, even king-hit the biggish bloke with head-phones (he didn't hear a thing).

Suddenly, I was in front of the queue with my arms out, looking very confused at all the people on the ground.

When the security guards grabbed me, I told them my wife was on the liquid soap and she was to blame.

Amazingly, they bought it and it looks like I'll be doing the shopping this weekend and I can't wait to load up on soap cakes.

I'll be loading up on the favourites, too, so take the Swans ($1.40), Dogs ($1.28), Cats ($1.33), Kangaroos ($1.18), Pies ($1.25), and Saints ($1.90 by more than 31.5 points) for a $6.67 multi.

It's lucky I'm a good bloke and not a lazy half-forward with a beautiful right boot; otherwise, who knows, I may not have shopped again.

Actually, when I say I'm a good bloke, I guess that depends if you're in front of me or behind me at the checkout.

My psychologist calls it "express-lane fever", which is great because now I can blame my stupidity on the fever, instead of shower gel … either way, it's got nuthin' to do with me.