HAVE you ever changed your football team?

Aunty Beryl — who became famous in the late 1970s and early '80s for inventing the robot-man dance — recently told me that she stopped following the Swans in 1982 when South moved to Sydney.

It was Mum's 70th birthday and Aunty Beryl and I were busting some robot-man moves to Devo's Whip It when I said: "How about those Swannies?"

I couldn't believe Aunty Beryl's answer and I ended up yelling at her when she told me that she now barracked for North Melbourne.

My elbows were pointed up, my head was cranked sideways, I was balancing on one leg, still as the Tin-man, screaming out of the side of my mouth: "You can't change teams."

Aunty Beryl, who was wearing silver boots and cracking an invisible whip, glided over to me as if she was on wheels and said: "When you were a boy, you used to barrack for Richmond." The music stopped, I collapsed to the floor, a Tin-man turned Scarecrow, shouting: "Nooo!!!!!"

There was Aunty Dianne, Aunty Lorraine, Uncle Bruce, Uncle David, Uncle Ken and Aunty Thelma, glaring at me like … umm … robots and Aunty Beryl, standing over me, her hands waving up and down, bleating: "Warning, warning."

I returned to the table and sobbed: "How dare you make me remember that. They sent me to America. I was deprogrammed, reprogrammed, I saw the light. They set me free."

"Shhhhhhhh," she whispered, "It's OK to change your team."

I disagreed but my position was flimsy so we drew up guidelines for acceptable team-swapping.

No.1: If your team has been relocated or merged or both (but remember, your team is doing so under duress and in your club's hour of need you should stay true).

No.2: If you move interstate (it is acceptable after time to embrace a local team but be careful if you head west).

No.3: If you have played more than eight games for a club (seven or less games means you have to stick with your original team).

No.4: If you have a son or relative who plays for a club (you are also allowed to change if that relative changes club).

No.5: If you follow your parents' club, only to realise you have no affection for it, it is permissible to change, if you are 15-years-old or under.

No.6: The Richmond clause (given the loyalty Richmond has shown to its greats, including Hafey, Bartlett, Raines, Wood and Cloke, there is unconditional understanding for fans who want out. In fact, there's a hotline and a support group you can join, regardless of age or games played; 400-game veterans welcomed).

As for betting on the Tiges, members of the support group are advised not to; it can do irreparable damage to the healing process but you are allowed to take either team under 15.5 points at $3.20.

Call Tigers in Exile now and remember, as Devo said: "When a problem comes along, you must whip it … go forward, move ahead, try to detect it, it's not too late, to whip it … whip it good."