THERE is something about matches played in the twilight timeslot that throws me out completely. I haven't quite worked out why, but when I arrive home to have dinner it feels weird, like the first day of daylight saving, only a lot worse.

As is customary in this weekly column, I like to brush down the sideburns, swing by the record store for the obligatory '60's soundtrack, before heading back on the train to the early '90s to steal a piece of my childhood. It's then sprinkled with a little AFL, just to make it more palatable for the sports pages.

Well not today. It's time to grow up. Actually, in light of the twilight games and the inevitable twilight zone backlash that follows, I thought we should strap on our space boots, jump in Marty McFly's time machine, and head back to the future!

Setting the scene: June 25, 2018: Robert Murphy is still an Age columnist after retiring from the Western Bulldogs in 2014, crippled by gout. He's still flogging the old formula — starting each column with rock 'n roll lyrics, talking about his childhood, etc. His fans, while loyal, are dwindling. His critics are growing by the day."I've got a car, I've got a big, black, shiny car."

One noticeable change is that he never mentions his sausage dog, Arthur, since his untimely demise. Famously, Arthur was scared stiff of water and would never walk over a puddle, let alone go for a swim. But Arthur confronted his H2O fears, taking off one day across Bass Strait, never to be seen again.

It's a sore point for the columnist, who claims he never tried to replace his little, four-legged friend, despite purchasing two more dachshunds and calling them Marthur and Arthur Mk2.

God only knows how the kids listen to this stuff, but as Shannon Noll sits atop the charts, I thought I'd try to appeal to the masses in a desperate attempt to stay hip.

"Better than that Mick Jagger s*%# you play at home, dad," moans 10-year-old Jarvis Murphy.

Anyway folks, back to the business of footy, footy, footy.

As I travelled down to Launceston on the weekend to see my old team the Doggies take on the Tigers, I couldn't help but feel a little forlorn. The game itself was no great shakes, and even though I was cheered a little to see the Bulldogs escape with a two-point win over the old rival from Punt Road, there were still things that fuelled my pessimism about the modern game.

Bulldog veteran Ayce Cordy, a shining light for the Dogs over the last 10 seasons, was reported for making eye contact with an umpire, and with points hanging over his head from a similar incident two weeks ago, he looks to be in danger of missing next week's clash with Gold Coast. A big fan of water slides, Ayce is understood to be shattered.

Back to the game itself, and despite claims from the experts that football is quicker, players tougher and the skills at an all-time high, I sat with my old teammate Daniel Giansiracusa and we both agreed that the current payers are not as tough as we were, and have decided to publicly criticise the Dogs on talkback radio — not to self-promote, you understand, just to help the club improve.

Veteran Bulldog coach Rodney Eade was upbeat after the win, but came under scrutiny for this quote: "We didn't do the brand any harm today."

Eade was fined $10,000 for breaking rule 14.7, which states: "Any use of the word 'brand' shall be sanctioned due to its condescending nature — just call it your football club." Terry Wallace was, as usual, upbeat despite the narrow loss, but was lucky to escape an AFL sanction of his own for describing a Cleve Hughes mark as a "catch".

You'll all remember that, back in 2013, there were some words and phrases highlighted in this column that I believed were hurting the fabric of football.

On that glorious day, accompanied by my team of lawyers, I marched into AFL House in an attempt to have words such as "brand", "catch" and "franchise", and phrases such as "is he a champion?", "kicks it from outside the paint", "they didn't come to play", "he's gotten ahead of himself" and "growth markets" outlawed. Our chests heaved with pride when Andrew Demetriou banned their use forever.

As I said earlier, the game itself was of no great standard, but it was remarkable for one reason. Brad Johnson lining up for his 500th game was always going to be cause for celebration out west, but to have the milestone fall on the day his son Jack made his debut in red, white and blue would have to rank as the second-most amazing day for the club this year.

Second, of course, to drillers striking oil beneath Whitten Oval, a discovery that left the club with untold riches and also lowered petrol to a reasonable $3.56 a litre.

With the Bulldogs now cashed up, it looks as though they will be purchasing the Collingwood Football Club and renting the Lexus Centre back to them.