I WANT to declare that I don't like Carlton and I never have. I think of Carlton as the club that cheated and the club that got caught and the club that has presidents who are investigated by the ACCC.

I think all Carlton flags are tainted. We know the Blues have cheated in the past, but what about the other years? Did they not cheat or were they not caught?

This year has been painful for me to listen to Carlton people crow about the club.

In my other role as AFL psychologist, I have been extremely busy treating coaches for what I have diagnosed as "Carlton envy".

I have spent the season flying from state to state in Dick Pratt's jet (don't tell Mark "Choco" Williams I was in Pratty's plane, that could just about tip him over the edge. Umm, and don't tell Dick) curing coaches of acute cases of Carlton envy.

And Choco had it bad. He would toss and turn every night muttering over and over: "Kreuzer, Judd, Stevens, Murphy, Gibbs, Fevola, goal." One night I caught him in his bathroom mumbling like a madman: "Fevola kicks goals, Fevola kicks goals…"

When I snapped him out of it, he screamed: "We got nuthin' for Stevens!" Using the latest in face-painting technology, I was able to remind Mark that Port played in a grand final last year and no other club in history had a playing list that boasted two Cornes, two Burgoynes, two Motlops, two Westhoffs and one Alipate Carlile.

I also explained that his team had a dreadful year and finished 13th, whereas Carlton's season was "magnificent" and finished 11th.

In the west, Johnnie "Woosha" Worsfold and Mark Harvey were simply riddled with Carlton envy.

With Harvey I used shock therapy, which involved whispering in his ear the words: "Ablett, Bartel, Corey, Selwood, Ling."

With Woosha, it was hard to tell if he had Carlton envy or "Judd envy", but one night at team selection when his midfield was listed as Judd, Kerr, Cox, Stevens, Murphy, Gibbs and Cousins, I realised he was gone.

At Collingwood, I was ushered in to see Mick Malthouse after the Pies second loss to Carlton and Mick was also a mess. He could not get past Fevola, Judd, Murphy and Gibbs, but I explained to him that he had 22 players who were better than Carlton's remaining 18.

I also told him when the finals started he could stop thinking about Carlton and start thinking about Heath Shaw and Alan Didak — that's when he booted me out.

As I rolled out on to Swan Street, I told Mick he was a chance against Adelaide, but I would take either team under 15.5 points at $3 and put it in my multi with Geelong (more than 32.5 points at $1.90) and Hawthorn (more than 19.5 at $1.90).

Mick said: "I was dreaming," but I told him: "Neil Craig has Carlton envy, too … he just doesn't know it yet."