I CAN'T sleep, my head pounds and my personal hygiene has reached record lows. But it's not my fault. Interstate football is torturing my soul and I can't decide who to follow in the Hall of Fame tribute game.

I'm a Melburnian but there are more blokes from my club playing with the others — whatever they're called — and I guess I want them to go well.

Actually, that's not true; I'm just hoping the blokes from my team don't get hurt, whereas I could happily see about 21 blokes from the Vics do a knee.

I apologise if that sounds nasty but my Nan wouldn't have it any other way.

Nan was a famous Collingwood bogan who loved to punch on at the footy and was the first person in VFL/AFL history to throw tinnies at players. And she taught me your club comes first and actions speak louder than words — which is why I settle arguments with my fists.

It's also why my mate Daff and I came to blows recently when discussing Essendon.

We don't like Essendon but Daff, like Matthew Knights, believes there is no point in winning unless you can make the top four.

I said, are you suggesting you play kids every weekend, humiliate them and suck the last essence of confidence from their spirit?

Daff said: "Yes." I said: "No," and I emphasised my point with a stunning strike to his nose that would have made Nan proud as … um … punch.

Daff, an angry Richmond man who banned music in his house the day Geoff Raines wore a Collingwood jumper, jumped on me, yelling, "Jason Johnson will never play senior football again because there is no point," and he thumped me as he spat out each word.

I kicked and clawed and shouted, Johnson had been a loyal clubman, could help the kids and should have been given a chance to play 200 games this year.

Daff said: "No." I said: "Yes," and like two great, bare-fisted heavyweights (that's not really an accurate description), we traded blows, and with every swing Daff yelled the names of players who had no reason to play: "Lloyd," smack, "Michael," biff, "Fletcher", kapow.

Smashed and enlightened, it occurred to me that Knights would never be sacked as long as he unveiled a debutant each week, spoke about the future and wooed Essendon fans with sons of players from the past, all the while cleverly avoiding addressing the present.

So take Port Adelaide on the line at $1.87 to beat Essendon by more than 20.5 points and hook that into Geelong (more than 29.5 points at $1.90) and North Melbourne ($1.90 with a 15.5-point head start) for a $6.75 return.

Also look at the Saints $10, Richmond $17 (seriously) and Port $4.50 for the highest score of the round.

Disclaimer: This story is a work of the author's imagination and any resemblance to actual persons is entirely coincidental, except Nan, she's real or she was real … and so is Jason Johnson (who was named on an extended bench this week) … and so is Daff … and I'm real, too, I think.