WHEN I was a child, Mum used to say the grass is always greener on the other side. But I could never work out whether that made me feel better or worse.
I grew up believing happiness existed only in the place where I wasn't. And even if I found that place, I thought, happiness would move on and leave me alone and joyless on the white grass.
But that's OK, and I just want to say to Dean Bailey, you can live here on the white grass … with me.
Just because it's only round three and Melbourne is already $251 to win the flag and one betting agency is starting your boys at $34 against the Cats doesn't mean you should mope around and think the grass is greener at Geelong.
Think like my Mum and convince yourself that if you ever got to Geelong, it would suddenly turn into a basket-case.
Flag odds: The Ikea bookshelf of the competition — looks magnificent in the shop but once you get it home, it's a complex puzzle made from cheap wood with confusing instructions.
Fremantle: $21.
Essendon: $41. The Mark Philippoussis — talked up pre-tournament, talked down mid-tournament, not talked about at all in the finals.
Hawthorn: $6.50. The Anna Kournikova — lots of press for someone who hasn't won anything.
Richmond: $101. The overweight, balding bloke with the ponytail and waistcoat — yes, we know you used to be hip, but you have failed to move on.
Carlton: $101. The ageing centre half-forward trying to find his swagger and public sympathy — you made your bed, you lie in it.
Collingwood: $12. The John Howard — oddly popular for someone so despised.
St Kilda: $6.50. Life with back pain — there are no good days, just days that aren't so bad.
North Melbourne: $41. A little cut above your lip that won't stop bleeding — a nuisance that won't go away.
Sydney: $18. The little cut that did go away.
Port Adelaide: $21. The bloke who won't wear a shirt on a hot day no matter where he is. Just because you have a nipple ring doesn't mean you can be arrogant.
Adelaide: $16. Genetically modified tomatoes — something's not quite right here.
Brisbane Lions: $21. Channel Seven's football coverage — the big names need help.
Western Bulldogs: $31. A meat pie at the footy — too much gravy, not enough meat and you end up with heartburn.
West Coast: $18. The Ferrari that crashed — designated-driver system failed.
Geelong: $2.35. The student house that has Tibetan prayer flags hanging from the awning, an old couch on the deck and a new Ferrari in the driveway — it doesn't make sense.
