EXCLUSIVE

Shocking evidence has emerged from Europe that players who regularly run, lift weights and eat cruciferous vegetables and lean meat are gaining a competitive edge on their opponents who do not train and guzzle deep-fried food. An AFL insider revealed to the Mongrel Punter that teams would be prevented from training next week and clubs would be issued with a banned-substance list that included broccoli and veal (which contains the potent and dangerous calf's blood).

"We believe that science is ruining the game," the AFL insider said. "Have a look at Lance Whitnall: he was captain of Carlton last year, a best-and-fairest winner the year before.

"Clearly, training and diet took Lance to a level of performance that was beyond his natural state of being.

"The players these days are stronger, faster, fitter and their skill level is high and we believe the game has deteriorated as a result.

"We want to wind the clock back, reintroduce the flat punt, the half-time pie and smoke and hopefully create more contested possessions and pack marks."

EVEN MORE EXCLUSIVE

A press release leaked to the Mongrel Punter said the club was "increasingly concerned for Franklin's welfare" who was not coping with "ludicrous" amounts of media attention.

"Lance is news if he plays well, he's news if he doesn't, he's news if he goes out, he's news if he stays in. Lance is news," it said.

The Mongrel Punter believes Hawthorn protested to the AFL last week after WA Today, a Fairfax news website in Western Australia, ran the story: "Lance eats crappy pizza."

The reporter was alarmed Franklin ordered pizza from a delivery chain, got a two-for-one deal with free garlic bread and a capricciosa without anchovies. "No anchovies? What a wuss," the reporter wrote.

REALLY, REALLY EXCLUSIVE

It has been a stellar year for surrendering, with Essendon coach Matthew Knights setting a world record for the fastest coach to concede when he pulled the pin on the season halfway through the first quarter of round two.

West Coast coach John Worsfold declared his team's season over after round six, becoming the fastest pre-season flag fancy to give up in AFL/VFL history.

STOP PRESS

And remember, sleep, breathe and eat footy (and dim sims) with the Mongrel Punter every Friday — first with the news you won't hear anywhere else.